two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
