remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
