I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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