I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize