Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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