Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
