where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
