well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
