i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
