Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
