i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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