are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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