Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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