Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I currently don't understand fingers.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
