I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
