I didn't shave. On purpose
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
