I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
