There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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