this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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