I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
