I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
