i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
