3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
