I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
