How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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