Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
