There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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