What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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