I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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