dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
