seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize