U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
we made out on top of his cat.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
