You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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