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I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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