everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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