My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
