im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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