I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
