I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
