I just made out with a guy for $7.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
