maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
