i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
