I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
