nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
