remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
