I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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