My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
