Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
