If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
