So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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