It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
