I think I am morally bankrupt
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
