I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize