i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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