If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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