i think my mom watched the whole time
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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