Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize