I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
